Why Religious Deconstruction Can Create So Much Family Tension
Your decisions about your religious life may feel like a personal decision that you have a right to make for yourself, but as you inform your family of your journey, you may find that your personal choices around religion evoke family tension and conflict. Many people hide their deconstruction process from their family due to a sense or intuition that this conflict may arise.
Often in high-control religious environments, keeping everyone “in the fold” is taught as a priority of the group. Families are encouraged to raise their children to be faithful and devout, and feel responsible for their offspring’s faith even as these children enter adulthood. Your family may feel their religious identity is tied up in their value system and their sense of belonging, and they may see someone leaving or changing their religious identity as a form of disloyalty to the family.
Deconstructing your religion can evoke fear and anxiety in your family members, as they may worry about your soul in the afterlife if your family’s religion has strong teachings about this. They also could view your changing beliefs as threatening, as they might find it upsetting that something so intrinsically tied to their identity is viewed by you as “wrong” (even if you are careful and sensitive about how you present this to them).
What Family Conflict Around Deconstruction Can Look Like
Family conflict that arises as a result of deconstruction can vary depending on the faith tradition your family is a part of. However, there are some common themes you may notice:
- Arguments, such as family trying to convince you of their beliefs
- Emotional distance, such as feeling less warmth from some family members
- Family members attempting to induce guilt and putting pressure on you to return
- Misunderstandings, such as family members viewing your deconstruction as a rejection of your relationship with them
- Silence, rejection, or isolating you from other family members
- Pressure to hide parts of yourself that family members find uncomfortable
When It Feels Like You Are Choosing Authenticity Over Belonging
When you experience the various types of conflicts outlined in the previous section, a likely result is feeling like you have to choose either living as your authentic self or retaining a sense of belonging with your family. This dilemma often leads to fear, anxiety, grief, or depression as you find yourself in a difficult bind.
If part of your deconstruction process involves discovering or embracing a sexual or gender identity that falls outside of the norms of the religion, you may feel that you have to hide this from your religious family members. Your deconstruction may involve evolving beliefs and values around politics, feminism, relationship norms, and more – but your family may put pressure on you to hide these new beliefs if they threaten their worldview.
Why Deconstruction Can Trigger Guilt, Fear, and Self-Doubt
Deconstruction, when your family is holding tightly to their religious beliefs, can induce many challenging emotions, such as guilt, fear, self-doubt, and worry. These emotions arise due to several factors, including:
- Fear of hurting your loved ones
- Worry about disappointing family members
- Fear of being judged
- The possibility of losing community
- Not wanting to be seen as selfish or rebellious (often due to conditioning about being “good” within the confines of how your religion defines this)
How to Navigate Family Relationships While You Are Still Figuring Things Out
Depending on how you were raised, you may have been taught to be fully open with your family and religious leaders at all times. Any doubt you had was encouraged to be brought to someone in authority. However, while deconstructing, you will probably find it helpful to resist this conditioning and allow yourself some time to work out how you feel on your own.
Recognize that this will involve getting a little more comfortable with the discomfort of uncertainty as you live in an “in-between” place of figuring out what you believe. Asserting your right to privacy with family members during this time can be helpful – letting them know that you need some space to figure things out. Recognize that just because someone is asking you about your faith doesn’t mean you have to answer or give them a detailed response.
Do You Have to Tell Your Family Everything?
You definitely don’t have to tell your family everything. In some cases, it may not be safe or wise to tell your family members everything – such as if you are still living with them and/or are financially dependent on them. Family relationships can differ widely, so you’ll want to assess which family members have the capacity to hear about your deconstruction process in a respectful manner, and which don’t.
Some people find it helpful to have different levels of what they share for different people. For example, your sibling who is also deconstructing might be someone you want to tell most of your journey to. But your parent, who has always appeared closed off to people who are deconstructing, might get a more limited version of your deconstruction story – at least until they show they can receive more of your story with care.
Setting Boundaries With Religious Family Members
Often, you can’t fully know how a family member will respond to your deconstruction until you try out sharing some of what you’re going through. When conversations become tense or unsafe, there are a few strategies to help you navigate this.
Some signs that a conversation might require boundaries include:
- Coercive behavior, where a family member tries to pressure you into believing or acting differently
- Invasive questioning, which can involve a family member asking questions you aren’t ready to answer or don’t match the level of intimacy you have with this person
- Guilt-inducing behavior
- Emotionally unsafe behavior, such as yelling, name-calling, throwing things, slamming doors, threatening language, the silent treatment, or any other behavior that makes it difficult to feel safe to be fully open and honest.
Boundaries Without Constant Defensiveness
Setting boundaries without constant defensiveness requires intentionality. Reflect on what you want out of your interactions with family members, and what you can reasonably expect from them given their past behavior.
Remember that boundaries are the limits you set with others, and involve the consequences you will enact if your needs are not being met. For example, pleading with someone to respect you is not a boundary – that’s a request. On the other hand, stating “if you raise your voice again, I’m going to leave the house” is a boundary because you have stated a clear limit and are in control of the consequences.
Grieving the Changes Deconstruction Can Bring
Ultimately, your family may or may not come to fully accept and welcome your new approach to religion. Recognizing this is painful because you may have had hopes that they would be able to see your full self, regardless of where your religious differences lie.
If your family cannot fully accept your deconstruction of religion, take some time to make room for the grief, sadness, and loss that come with this. Recognize that losing a sense of community and familial support is challenging, and may bring feelings of loneliness and questioning of your self-worth.
These can be challenging feelings to navigate, but moving through them can lead you to find relationships and communities that more fully honor your authentic self and accept you regardless of how you identify.
How Therapy Can Help During Religious Deconstruction
Navigating tense family relationships during religious deconstruction is a complex and emotional process. Therapy with a religious deconstruction or religious trauma specialist can give you a neutral space to explore and grow.
Therapy for religious deconstruction and family conflict can help you:
- Explore and affirm your religious, spiritual, gender, and sexual identity
- Grieve relationships that shift as a result of deconstruction
- Build self-trust
- Identify unhealthy family dynamics and how to set limits when they arise
- Regulate overwhelming emotions
- Clarify your values as you step away from the values of the high-control religious system that may no longer align with you
Support for Navigating Family Relationships During Deconstruction
If you’re tired of feeling like you have to choose between authenticity and belonging, reaching out to a therapist can help you sort through this difficult challenge. Your therapist can validate what you’re going through, affirm who you are, and help you clarify your boundaries and limits.
I’m a licensed professional counselor and a religious trauma and religious deconstruction specialist focused on helping you clarify who you are and what you want as you examine the impact of your religious experiences. If you’re in Texas and want to explore working with me, book a call in the link below.