Stop doubting yourself and regain your confidence.

Perfectionism and high standards may sound similar, but there are key differences. Having high standards means that you want the best for yourself and the work that you do, and you prioritize this. Perfectionism, on the other hand, often comes from internal fear of messing up and experiencing shame or criticism. With perfectionism, your standards are not just high, they are impossible to meet.

Perfectionism is damaging your mental health if you develop symptoms of anxiety, depression, insomnia, disordered eating, or substance abuse due to the pressures you place on yourself. Additional signs are being unable to do things you care about, like pursue hobbies or spend time with family, because you are unable to let go of impossible standards you’ve set for yourself.

A few signs of people-pleasing are:

• Difficulty saying no to requests for your time and energy
• Feeling out of sorts when someone is annoyed or upset with you
• Depending on validation from others to feel ok
• Taking responsibility for someone else’s emotions

People-pleasing is hard to stop for many people because they fear the consequences of letting go of these behaviors. You may have had relationships in the past where it was unsafe to say no, or it was difficult to take up space with your own needs and emotions.

We also have many general cultural messages that contribute to people-pleasing, such as valuing self-sacrifice and viewing conflict as something to be avoided at all costs. You may also have been raised with more specific cultural messages that are difficult to navigate because of how valued they are in your family and community.

Perfectionism and people-pleasing often lead to anxiety and burnout because they are not sustainable ways of living. Both require you to suppress your needs, which leads to depleted energy and overwhelm. Perfectionism and people-pleasing often have their roots in worry about how you will be perceived by others, which, over time, can lead to anxiety.

Yes, for some people, perfectionism comes from childhood experiences such as emotionally immature parenting, abusive parenting, or attachment disruptions.

If you had a controlling or overbearing parent, you may have learned to set impossible standards for yourself to live up to their expectations. If you had a neglectful parent, you may have learned to be high-achieving to try to gain their attention. Or if you had a parent who was very critical or abusive, you may have internalized their voice and exerted this criticism on yourself as an adult.

Other forms of trauma can also lead to perfectionism because trauma often leaves people trying to regain a sense of control over their lives. Perfectionism can feel like a way to prevent vulnerability after a traumatic experience.

Therapy for perfectionism and people-pleasing starts with identifying where these behaviors are showing up and what purpose they are serving for you. We can name the fear involved that keeps these behaviors alive, and the past experiences that may have fueled this fear.

We then explore building a kinder inner voice and exploring more sustainable ways of achieving your goals. Identifying healthy ways you want to move forward in relationships is also key - learning the ways you want to stand up for yourself and experience reciprocity with friends, family, and romantic partners.

One way to set boundaries with less guilt is to imagine your friend is asking you for advice about the boundary you wish to set. Would you encourage them? Would you want them to have the space to say no?

Another helpful perspective is to recognize the downsides of people-pleasing and a lack of boundaries. Notice the resentment that builds when you say yes too often, and how that impacts your relationships. Recognize the lack of openness and honesty present if you aren’t able to say no to someone.

This takes practice, and I recommend starting small. Try an experiment with yourself where you send an email without re-reading it, or leave the house without looking in the mirror a final time. Small steps like this allow you to learn that you can survive letting go of your impossible standards.

I also recommend taking a look at the cost of overthinking - what do you miss out on when you overthink, procrastinate, or label everything you do as not good enough? You might notice that you’re less present, you miss out on pleasurable and meaningful moments, and you’re unable to relax.

Overthinking can steal your life away, and it’s important to recognize if you’d rather be stuck in your mind finding a perfect solution, or would you rather be living in your life, doing things that matter to you?

Recognize that achievement and approval are fleeting, so even if you have moments of achievement or approval, the good feelings that come from this are unlikely to last for very long before you find yourself seeking a new achievement.

A more enduring form of self-worth is one based on your own internal values - the qualities and ways of being that you aspire to be in the world. For example, you may pride yourself on being a present parent, a loving pet owner, or a creative thinker. When you base your self-worth in this way, you always have room to move in the direction of what matters to you.

This depends on a variety of factors, including how deep your patterns go and the severity of your struggles with these behaviors. Overcoming these patterns takes practice, and the more you challenge yourself to set boundaries or lower impossible standards, the more you will see an improvement in your ability to let go of perfectionism and people-pleasing.

If you seek therapy for these patterns, I recommend setting aside at least 2-3 months for weekly therapy. If you’ve been developing these behaviors for a long time or have childhood traumatic experiences that contribute, a longer-term counseling process may be helpful to allow for healing and growth.