What People-Pleasing Actually Looks Like
People-pleasing shows up in many ways, and often in ways that you might not even recognize as such. People who struggle with people-pleasing get caught up in many of the following behaviors:
- Automatically saying yes before checking in with yourself
- Keeping quiet about your needs to avoid conflict
- Overexplaining when you do speak up for yourself
- Managing other people’s emotions
- Struggling to ask for what you need
- Being the “peacemaker” and feeling responsible for keeping everyone comfortable
Why People-Pleasing Does Not Always Look “Nice”
Many people struggle to let go of people-pleasing because they come to see their people-pleasing behaviors as a part of being a “nice” person. If you identify with this, you likely feel as though people-pleasing pays off in keeping everyone around you happy. However, people-pleasing has a not-so-nice side that can strain your relationships and leave you feeling burned out.
People-pleasing often leads to resentment, as you suppress your own needs at the expense of serving others. Over time, this can strain your relationships, as well as lead to a lack of closeness and connection because the people around you don’t really know the real you.
Internally, people-pleasing also doesn’t look very nice. You may struggle with anxiety as you ruminate about where you stand with other people. You likely deal with burnout as you people-please at work, in parenting, and in other areas of your life. And you probably also find yourself continually self-monitoring and second-guessing yourself, leading to mental and emotional exhaustion.
Why It Feels So Hard to Stop
People-pleasing came about for a reason – for many people, this is a self-protective behavior that came about early in life to manage relationships where it was unsafe to be your authentic self or express your needs. Because it feels like it’s protecting you, you likely struggle to let go of these behaviors.
For many people, letting go of people-pleasing brings up many fears – fear of conflict, fear of rejection, and fear of disappointing others. If you’ve been engaging in this for a while, you likely have developed a low sense of self-trust and a belief that your needs matter less than others – which can be difficult to unlearn and believe otherwise.
When People-Pleasing Becomes Part of Your Identity
Over time, people-pleasing becomes the default. Without thinking, you agree to everything other people ask of you, even anticipating people’s needs long before they ask. When your orientation is continually looking outward to see what other people want and need, you don’t have much space to also look inward at what you want.
Many people wrap up their people-pleasing in an identity that feels hard to shed. For example, at work, you might be the reliable one who always volunteers to keep meeting minutes and plan birthday parties. Suddenly changing how you are known to other people can feel scary because you’re not sure how people will react if they are no longer benefiting from your excess work.
Why Setting Limits Can Feel Selfish
Often, setting limits feels selfish because of the early conditioning you received around meeting other people’s needs. In your early life, advocating for your needs may have been met with emotionally overwhelming or neglectful responses from your caregivers and others. These responses get internalized as guilt and shame, leading you to feel bad about yourself if you advocate for your needs.
Some people also receive societal messages around remaining selfless that aren’t always healthy. Many people hold core values around caring for others, which can be manipulated by those in power to exploit people into overly deferring to others and suppressing their own internal needs.
As an adult, this accumulation of experiences may lead you to view suppressing your needs as a strategy to feel safe in relationships. You end up with a “better safe than sorry” approach, where as long as you don’t rock the boat, you feel like you don’t have to worry about the relationship ending.
What Healthy Self-Advocacy Looks Like
Healthy self-advocacy involves finding a balance where you can both notice your own needs and the needs of others. Self-advocacy recognizes that as adults we all have a responsibility to speak up for our own needs and a responsibility to negotiate what we are willing to do for other people.
You are welcome to continue to care for others even as you unlearn people-pleasing; however, your caring will look different. For example, if you get invited to a family event that overlaps with something you were looking forward to doing, you could politely decline and offer to schedule something soon instead of immediately assuming you need to cancel your plans.
The Difference Between Being Kind and Self-Abandoning
Chronic people-pleasers often have a difficult time determining what kindness actually looks like. Many actions that are rooted in people-pleasing are actually a form of self-abandonment rather than true kindness.
Self-abandonment is when you are so oriented towards managing others that you reflexively respond to the needs (or perceived needs) of others before checking in with yourself. Kindness, on the other hand, is the practice of viewing yourself as equally deserving of care as anyone else in your life.
How to Start Changing People-Pleasing Patterns
People-pleasing and over-giving can feel automatic, but these behaviors are learned, which means they can also be unlearned with practice, patience, and time.
Here are a few ways to start listening to yourself and reduce people-pleasing:
- Pause before saying yes. For example, set a timer for 5 minutes before you reply to a text asking for your help.
- Practice using “no” as a complete sentence. Resist the urge to overexplain, recognizing that you are free to say no in many situations even without a “valid” enough excuse.
- Recognize resentment. Resentment is a clue that you’ve been prioritizing other people over your own needs or giving to other people without communicating with them about what you might hope to receive in return.
- Find small ways to practice communicating what you want. For example, speak up about which restaurant you want to go to, even if you believe you’re ok with what someone else wants to do.
- Make room for discomfort. When you notice others having strong emotions, allow yourself to feel the discomfort of not immediately trying to rescue them or fix their feelings.
- Allow others to say no. Many people who never say no also have a difficult time hearing no from others. Practice living from a place of cultivating relationships where everyone is able to set limits.
How Therapy Can Help You Find Your Voice
Therapy can guide you to get to know your authentic self, let go of unrealistic standards, and identify where you’d like to start asserting your needs. Therapy for people-pleasing is focused on helping you to clarify what you want most in life, so that you can move in the direction of your values, rather than staying caught up in the exhausting people-pleasing cycle.
If you’re in Texas, I’m a licensed professional counselor specializing in helping people build self-acceptance, clarify their values, and overcome people-pleasing patterns. If you’re interested in working with me, schedule a free consultation call at the link below.