Why Boundaries Can Feel So Uncomfortable
You may be familiar with the concept of boundaries and why they are important. We all need the ability to set limits with others and to be able to say no at times. However, despite knowing the importance of boundaries, you might struggle to actually speak up and set or maintain boundaries. If you find it difficult to set boundaries, setting limits may leave you feeling guilty, anxious, or worried that you are being mean.
Setting limits can feel uncomfortable for a variety of reasons and often comes from a prior experience that left you struggling to speak up. Here are a few examples of experiences that can lead to boundary difficulties:
- Growing up in an environment where you were overtly or subtly punished for expressing needs.
- Being influenced by cultural messages around being polite and always giving.
- Being raised in a religious community that prioritized acting in service over tuning into your needs.
- Experiencing an abusive relationship that has left you finding it difficult to speak up
What Boundary Guilt Can Look Like
Boundary guilt can show up in a number of patterns. Some signs that you may be experiencing boundary guilt are:
- Ruminating or thinking excessively about the boundary you’ve set
- Overexplaining yourself when you do express a boundary
- Backing down the moment you see (or even imagine) any resistance to the boundary
- Apologizing for expressing normal needs that you would expect anyone else in your life to speak up about
- Feeling responsible for other people’s reactions to your boundary
- Excessively worrying over whether you were too harsh in expressing a need or limit
Signs You May Be Struggling With Boundary Guilt
If you’re struggling with boundary guilt, you may notice internal signs, such as patterns of thinking, and interpersonal signs, such as ways of relating to those around you. Internally, you likely dread difficult conversations (or even simple ones that require you to speak up about a need or a limit). You may feel resentful that others express their needs so easily, or that you grant people their wishes so readily, while you are holding back on expressing what you need.
Interpersonally, you may seek continual reassurance from others that you’re not a bad person after setting a boundary. You may try to rehash your boundary decisions with the people closest to you to ensure you made the “right” decision. And you might try to manage other people’s feelings about your needs, such as trying to relieve someone’s sadness if you decide to spend less time with them, or trying to calm someone’s anger if you can no longer help them out.
Where Boundary Guilt Comes From
As I shared in the introduction, boundary guilt often comes from a past experience that leads you to hesitate to speak up. Often these experiences lead to patterns of people-pleasing, perfectionism, and fear of conflict that lead you to prioritize avoiding negative reactions from others over listening to your own needs.
Some people receive messages that their value comes from being easy, helpful, or selfless. If you’re a woman or hold other marginalized identities, you may have been conditioned to be deferential to those in more powerful positions in society. This deference comes at a cost, as over time you may struggle to tap into your inner needs, interests, and emotions, which are the ways we know we need boundaries.
Why Other People’s Discomfort Can Feel Like Proof You Did Something Wrong
People who struggle with boundary guilt often have a difficult time receiving any kind of reaction to their boundaries. For example, maybe you need to stay late at work and have to cancel dinner with a friend, who expresses their disappointment. This type of reaction can lead to a belief that you messed up and really hurt your friend.
However, a friend experiencing disappointment is not a sign that you’ve done something wrong. You’re allowed to make choices that lead to others feeling disappointment or other emotions. Disappointment is simply an emotion that most adults are capable of coping with. Moments like these are opportunities to learn how to allow others to have their emotions and choose boundaries that work for you anyway.
What Healthy Boundaries Actually Are
Healthy boundaries are not designed to enact punishment, to control, or to reject others. In fact, boundaries are often used to show people ways that you do want to be in a relationship with them. Boundaries include sharing information about what you need, what you are available for, and how you want to be treated.
In simple terms, a boundary is a limit that you express to the people around you. Effective boundaries often include an action you will take that you are in control of in order to ensure your needs are met. An example of this is sharing with a family member, “I’m planning on coming to Sunday dinner, but I will leave if there is any yelling or name-calling.” Notice how you are in control of asserting your boundary in this example, and you are not trying to manage someone else’s behavior through the boundary.
Boundaries Without Harshness
Boundaries can feel scary to assert because they may seem harsh and cold. However, boundaries can fit perfectly well within warm, kind relationships. Your boundaries can include empathy for others and a sense of trying to ensure everyone’s needs are adequately met.
One way to ensure your boundaries do not come off as harsh or aggressive is to ensure that you are gradually and continually asserting your boundaries. If you practice small ways of saying no or expressing your needs, the people around you grow accustomed to hearing you speak up in this way, so that it no longer sounds abrupt or harsh.
How to Start Setting Boundaries With Less Guilt
You can start setting boundaries with less guilt through practice, patience, and self-kindness. Here are a few ways to get started:
- Start small with simple expressions of your preferences, such as what temperature you prefer or where you’d like to go to dinner
- Notice when you are over-justifying your needs, and try to limit this
- Intentionally allow discomfort – boundaries will feel uncomfortable at first if you are unaccustomed to them, and letting discomfort come and go is part of the process
- Notice the urge to backpedal and see if you can hold to the boundaries you express
- Recognize others’ reaction to your boundaries, and practice allowing them to have their feelings without you trying to smooth over the situation
How Therapy Can Help You Build Confidence Around Boundaries
If you’ve been struggling to assert your boundaries, therapy can help you stop doubting yourself, assert your needs, and rebuild confidence and self-trust. In therapy, you’ll explore and observe patterns of people-pleasing and perfectionism and find new, healthier ways to approach relationships and life.
If you’re in Texas, I’m a licensed professional counselor specializing in helping people assert their boundaries, get to know their authentic needs and wants, and move towards a fulfilling life. If you’re interested in working with me, schedule a free consultation call at the link below.