What Relationship Insecurity Can Look Like
Relationship insecurity is a pattern of lacking confidence in your relationship (or relationships) and the behaviors you do to try to manage this feeling of mistrust. Relationship insecurity is often discussed in terms of romantic relationships, but insecurity can impact any kind of relationship.
Here are some examples of what you might notice that indicate relationship insecurity is present:
- Seeking reassurance about the relationship
- Overanalyzing texts
- Comparing yourself to others
- Continually feeling like something is about to go wrong in your relationship
- Fearing abandonment
- Difficulty relaxing when your partner is not around
Why Relationship Insecurity Can Feel So Consuming
Relationship insecurity can feel like it’s overtaking your life. This is because relationship insecurity at its most intense can affect your nervous system regulation, attention, and self-image.
Being caught up in relationship insecurity can lead to a cycle of behaviors that threaten the relationship and leave you feeling on shaky ground. For example, conflict may arise as your insecurity affects how you interact with the person you’re feeling insecure about. Trust issues can leave you feeling unable to relax and settle into the relationship. And continually debating whether to stay or leave can make it difficult to work towards building a more secure relationship.
When You Keep Asking Yourself, ‘Is It Bad Enough?’
Many people who struggle with relationship insecurity ask themselves, “is it bad enough?” Relationship insecurity is a challenge that can come both from inside your mind (such as anxiety around the relationship) and from within the relationship (such as patterns of harmful behavior in your partner). Because of this, you may be wondering how much of this is something for you to work through on your own, versus recognizing that your partner is not contributing to a healthy dynamic.
If you find yourself asking “is it bad enough”, it’s worth taking the time to reflect and explore what’s not working. Sticking your head in the sand won’t make feelings of insecurity or unhealthy relationship dynamics go away. You don’t have to white-knuckle your way through these questions – seeking help from a trusted friend, therapist, or through self-reflection (such as journaling) can give you the space to address these issues.
Where Relationship Insecurity Comes From
Relationship insecurity is a complex pattern of feelings and behaviors that can come from several sources, including from your relationship history, your upbringing, and your current relationship dynamics.
Here are a few possible contributors:
- Past betrayals in previous relationships
- Childhood trauma and attachment wounds that come from having caretakers who were abusive, neglectful, or emotionally immature
- Anxiety or depression is impacting your view of the relationship
- Low self-trust or self-esteem
- Mixed signals from your partner
- Conflict patterns in your relationship
- Unresolved emotional pain, such as past wounds that remain unaddressed in your relationship
How Anxiety Can Make Relationship Doubt Worse
If you struggle in general with anxiety, you may notice this impacting your relationships. Anxiety can intensify feelings of uncertainty in many areas of your life, including your relationships.
Anxiety often results in patterns of compulsive mental checking, which is a process in which you mentally go through the status of your relationship and ask yourself if you’re safe and secure enough in this relationship. The more you engage in this checking, the more relationship doubts can grow.
In addition to mental checking, anxiety can lead to reassurance seeking with others. You may continually ask your partner, best friend, or coworker if they are mad at you, if they still like you, or other questions that you may want to gain reassurance about. This pattern is self-reinforcing because the more you do this, often the worse your anxiety becomes as you teach yourself that the only way to seek relief from anxiety is to ask others to reassure you.
When Insecurity Points to an Internal Pattern and When It Points to a Real Relationship Problem
It’s important to distinguish the difference between an internal pattern of insecurity and a real relationship pattern that needs to be addressed with the person you are in a relationship with. Learning the difference can help you explore whether you need to look inward for resolution or outward towards the relationship.
A few signs of insecurity are an internal pattern, including:
- You experience insecurity in a variety of relationships, including romantic, friendship, and work relationships.
- You have a history of anxiety or of relationship trauma
- You feel insecure even when you can’t point to a specific behavior that your partner did to evoke the insecurity
- Your insecurity feels mismatched to the moment – for example, fearing complete abandonment when your partner asks for a little time alone
A few signs that insecurity points to a relationship problem include:
- You weren’t insecure in previous relationships and don’t typically experience insecurity in other types of relationships in your life
- Your partner is “hot and cold”, or inconsistent in how they show affection and care
- You can point to specific behaviors in your partner that lead to an increase in your insecurity and anxiety
- When you bring up concerns, your partner deflects or blames them solely on your anxiety and does not take ownership of their potential role
Relationship Anxiety vs Something That Needs Attention
Relationship issues that need attention often result from ongoing patterns of dishonesty, dismissiveness, and instability in the relationship. These dysfunctional patterns also include frequent conflict, dynamics that lead you to feel like you need to walk on eggshells, and the inability to communicate about relationship doubts and challenges.
Sometimes both people in the relationship can find themselves caught up in unhealthy patterns, finding themselves responding to unhealthy behaviors in their partner with their own behaviors that are not conducive to healthy functioning in the relationship.
Relationship anxiety, on the other hand, comes from internal patterns of self-doubt, nervous system dysregulation, and anxious mental loops, and can exist even in relationships where your partner is showing care and doing their part to establish relationship safety.
It’s important to note that some people can experience both relationship insecurity and real issues that need to be addressed. Even when you experience anxiety and insecurity, you have a right to speak up about relationship issues that indicate an unhealthy pattern.
How Individual Therapy Can Help With Relationship Insecurity
Relationship insecurity can be challenging to sort through on your own. You may feel confused and disoriented around questions of what is a real relationship problem and what is your own internal lack of secure feelings.
Therapy can give you space separate from the relationship to breathe, reflect, and observe patterns. With this space you can decide what you want and need – whether it’s to heal your internal relationship insecurity or address issues in your relationship (or both!)
Building More Self-Trust in Relationships
Insecurity in relationships is not a life sentence – you can develop new ways of experiencing safety and building secure relationships. Through therapy for relationship insecurity, you can build confidence, learn to set boundaries, and more assertively make decisions that honor your needs and desires.
If you’re in Texas, I’m a licensed professional counselor specializing in helping individuals address relationship insecurity and relationship challenges. I offer virtual sessions for people throughout Texas and in-person sessions in my Houston office. If you’re interested in working with me, schedule a free consultation call at the link below.