If you’re going through religious deconstruction or experiencing any effects from being in a high control religion, you may struggle with being disliked. Maybe you didn’t even realize this until you left your religious community and realized you needed to set some boundaries.
Why is being disliked so hard after religious deconstruction?
You might feel that being disliked is intolerable after religious deconstruction, and this makes a lot of sense given the context of your experience. As a member of a high control religion, you spent a long time in a community that prized consensus. You probably received subtle messages discouraging dissent (or outright open messages of this kind.) You might remember being a curious child asking questions and learning that curiosity is not rewarded in regards to religion.
Plenty of people spend a long time hiding their changing religious beliefs, and that is completely normal and understandable. Some of us need time to figure out what we believe on our own before discussing with others. At some point, however, you may realize that you can’t avoid speaking up about your changing beliefs any longer.
When you’re ready to start speaking up, you’ll probably see that you need to learn to be ok with being disliked. I say this, because there will likely be people who do not respond well to you leaving your religious community. Many high control religions establish structures and teachings to encourage people not to leave, or even implement outright processes of excommunication.
People leaving high control religion also often discover that their former beliefs included harmful ideas around race, gender, sexuality, and more. Speaking up about these themes can provoke discomfort and even anger among members of your former religious community.
How can I be ok with being disliked after religious deconstruction?
Facing the possibility of being disliked is tough to navigate, but it’s also rewarding to find your voice and authenticity. You may realize that these reactions from your former community are troubling and are not a reflection of you. Here are 3 ways to become more ok with being disliked:
Know that anxiety is not the enemy
When you speak up and distance yourself from the religious community that you are deconstructing from, you are probably going to experience anxiety. This makes perfect sense! As I described, you probably received subtle and not-so-subtle messages about the consequences of disagreeing or leaving your religious group.
The anxiety that is showing up is your body’s natural response to protect you from these consequences. It’s your body’s inner alarm bells saying “don’t mess up! Don’t get abandoned by your community!” These signals may confuse you because often anxiety is something we do need to listen to in order to stay safe. But now your anxiety is telling you that leaving your religious community is unsafe, or speaking up is unsafe. Despite these feelings of unsafety, you might benefit from more clear boundaries and authentic communication with these people.
Develop a mindful, kind relationship with your anxiety
Because your anxiety sometimes is helpful and sometimes less helpful, you need to develop a mindful relationship with your anxiety. You can try this by taking a moment to pause, listen to your anxiety, and get curious about where it’s coming from and what it’s telling you. Take a moment to interrogate if it’s sending you a message that you need to listen to.
If your anxiety is saying something like “don’t speak up to your parents about not wanting to go to church with them or they’ll be mad at you!”, try speaking to it like you would a friend. You could say something like, “Hey anxiety, I know you were really helpful when I was a kid. Back then I relied on not getting in trouble for my happiness and safety. But I’m an adult now, I am allowed to speak up, and I can survive my parents being mad at me.”
This is a skill that for many people is challenging to learn, takes a lot of practice, and can often be helpful to learn with the guidance of a counselor. (Quick disclaimer – this gets more complex in cases of abuse, where your anxiety may be telling you really important messages around avoiding harm. In this case, it’s important to balance your need for authenticity with your safety. Finding an exit strategy from the abusive situation might take priority over learning to speak up through your anxiety.)
Clarify whose opinion matters to you
This one might be tough if you are rebuilding your community after religious deconstruction and don’t yet know who you can trust and be close with. But I want you to think about whose opinion matters most to you when you are setting boundaries. Maybe you have a cousin you admire who has blazed the path out of your religious community. Perhaps you have a friend from an ethnic or cultural group that has experienced discrimination and hatred from your religious community, and you want to become a more vocal ally for them.
It’s possible that you can’t identify anyone, but you can picture the type of person who you want to show up for. Maybe you can picture a fictional character you admire, or a future friend you imagine having once you venture outside of your religious community. Maybe it’s even a future version of yourself who you want to make proud.
This isn’t about transferring your people-pleasing tendencies from your religious community to a new group of people. The point here is to recognize that you don’t have to make everyone happy. In fact, that is impossible. So it’s much more helpful to connect with the types of people you want to show up for.
Picture people who value authenticity
Picture who you want to be in relationship with and what they value in their community. What would they cheer you on for? What would they hold you accountable for and ask you to reflect on?
You don’t have to perfectly please them to connect with the ways in which they would be happy to be in community with you. You just have to move in a direction that is more in line with the values you want in your new version of community. Healthy communities and relationships often communicate shared values in a non-controlling way that honors your autonomy.
You don’t have to show up for these new people out of fear of being disliked. Instead, practice authenticity out of satisfaction from moving in a direction aligned with your values. The more you practice this, the more you will likely realize that it’s no longer rewarding to try and please your former religious community.
Rebuild your life after religious deconstruction with your values in mind
As you leave your religious community that prompted your religious deconstruction journey, you probably notice more often how you disagree with how this community operates. You might realize that a community where disagreement is not allowed is not very healthy or accepting of diversity.
Look for communities, friendships, and romantic relationships where disagreement and diversity is welcomed, because these are the places where it will be truly safe for you to be disliked. And when I say safe, I don’t mean that you’ll never experience discomfort from being disliked. But you will be more likely to be in communities and relationships where you can openly work through disagreements in a way that teaches you that it’s ok to express yourself honestly, set boundaries, and expect respect and honoring of your autonomy.
As you gain confidence in this new approach, you might revisit relationships in your former religious community to explore who is open to learning this new, more authentic way of communicating and being with you. Some may find this new approach refreshing and embrace the chance to meet the more authentic you. Others might struggle to respect the new you, and you may find yourself creating some space between yourself and them.
Break free from the pressure to be liked and find your authentic self
Often, this path begins with setting basic boundaries to give you space and freedom outside of your religious community. Over time, you will likely see further benefits, such as embracing parts of you that did not feel ok to express in your community. This could include embracing interests that were not approved of in your community, sexual desires, ways of dressing, gender expression, political activism for causes that your community did not embrace, careers that your community did not approve of, and more.
You have one life to live, and it’s never too late to give yourself the gift of getting to know yourself. I work with people going through religious deconstruction one on one in counseling and I would love to explore helping you build these skills. If you’re in Texas, I help people over video in my counseling practice – you can read more about how I help people deconstructing from religion here, and book a free introductory call here.
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