People who leave high control religious environments often feel mental health effects long after they leave the harmful space they were in. Many people experiencing this describe themselves as experiencing religious trauma. For some people, religion is presented in rigid ways during our formative years of development. This means that the impact of religious trauma can alter how we experience our emotions and how we respond to stress, including how we feel and express anger.
As a religious trauma counselor (and survivor myself), I’ve noticed that many people processing their religious trauma experience struggle to name and express anger because it’s showing up in unexpected ways that don’t match how anger is typically defined and described. I’ll share three ways this can show up for you, why it happens, and what you can start to do about it.
Anger experienced in the form of anxiety
Your boss calls you at 6 pm on a Friday and tells you that you need to drop everything for a work emergency. You had told your boss earlier that day that you were going on a weekend trip and they didn’t even acknowledge this on the phone call. Instantly your heart starts racing and you feel anxiety flood your body. You start worrying – “What will I tell my friend who’s going on this trip with me?” “Is my boss going to remember that I have this trip and mention it?” “Should I say something to my boss or not?”
Why this happens for religious trauma survivors
It makes sense that you experience your anger as anxiety if you were raised in a rigid religious environment. You might have been taught that you don’t have the power to speak up to people in authority (such as pastors, teachers, or even God.) When you feel this powerless, instead of feeling anger you start to try and manage your disappointment and upset through worrying about how you will manage the fallout of the situation. You desperately try to get your needs met without rocking the boat.
What you can do
If you experience this reaction, you may find it helpful to start working on finding your voice when you are upset about something. Start internally – talk it out with yourself, naming the emotions you feel. Practice telling yourself that it’s ok to feel anger at others, even when they are in a position of authority.
Eventually you will build up enough awareness of your feelings and the confidence to start expressing your feelings and needs to someone else. In the example of your boss asking you to work on the weekend, you might recognize that it’s up to you to advocate for yourself and speak about your limits, even if you’ve already mentioned your vacation plans before.
Anger experienced in the form of self-criticism
You’ve been asking your partner for months to clean up after himself in the kitchen with no real change. In your household you’ve agreed that your partner cleans and you cook, but you never have room to cook because he’s not holding up his end of the deal. You come home from work and yet again the kitchen is a complete wreck.
You start to criticize yourself – “It’s my fault, I’m probably not reminding him enough.” “No one ever prioritizes my needs so this is to be expected.” “I’ve been nagging him a lot about this lately, maybe if I was more fun and lighthearted he’d like me enough to do this for me.”
Why this happens for religious trauma survivors
Many high control religions emphasize examining yourself for sinfulness and wrongdoing. When you experience these teachings as a vulnerable young person, you take these teachings very much to heart. It becomes second nature to examine yourself for faults any time you experience a challenge in life.
But the truth is, not everything is your fault. Sometimes others truly have let you down, hurt you, or missed the mark. You might also turn inward to criticize yourself to keep yourself from being abandoned or rejected.
High control religions emphasize conditional love – love that can be snatched away if you are not conforming to the religion well enough. You might have unconsciously adapted to this by being highly critical of yourself to avoid losing people in your life. However, excessively trying to earn your love by never speaking up leads to internal stress, low self-worth, and a lack of authenticity in your relationships.
What you can do
You might find it hard to know what you are allowed to ask for in other people and what you are allowed to be angry about. Step outside of your own situation and imagine a friend came to you and described that they were going through this exact situation. How would you feel about this friend? What advice would you give them? This helps you gain perspective on the situation and recognize that your needs are worth advocating for.
You can also start to notice if you are trying to take account of everything as a whole in a situation rather than focusing on the specific situation at hand. Recognize that even if you’ve messed up in the past, you still deserve to advocate for yourself in the moment. Once you stop criticizing yourself for things you are angry at others about, you can start to set clear, firm boundaries. You might say “I will no longer be cooking dinner unless the kitchen is cleaned. I’m doing my part to keep the house running, and I expect you to do yours as well.”
Anger experienced as passive aggression
You had plans to go to a play with your sister that you had been excited about and she canceled at the last minute. You are tired of this pattern of last minute cancellations and decide to teach her a lesson. The next time you have plans with her you give her a taste of her own medicine and cancel the plans right at the last moment. She asks you about it and you give a vague but snarky comment about how it feels to be canceled on.
Why this happens for religious trauma survivors
This comes back to the powerlessness described earlier – when you are in a rigid religious environment, you might not feel allowed to advocate for your needs. Many environments that place a high value on rules and order discourage open communication of disagreements. You may have learned at an early age that speaking up about something doesn’t go well for you.
Many people in rigid religious environments also aren’t encouraged to experience a full range of feelings. If you are having a hard time, you are told to just pray about it. But the truth is, sometimes our hard time is something that is best worked out by expressing our feelings with others and letting them know how we feel.
What you can do
A great place to start is by noticing how bad passive aggressiveness feels. It might feel briefly satisfying in the moment, but it doesn’t feel good for this to be your only tool for expressing your feelings. You can also start to recognize how you want to be treated by others. If someone is mad at you, would you rather know about it and have the chance to work it out, or experience confusing mixed signals from the other person?
Start to realize that even if it involves an uncomfortable conversation, it is usually much better for your relationships to be more direct. You could tell your sister, “I feel hurt when you cancel at the last minute. It feels like a pattern to me and I wanted to see if you noticed it too.” If your sister responds that she cares about your feelings but she sometimes needs to cancel, you might ask her if she’s willing to show that she cares in some way, such as offering a rescheduling date when she needs to cancel.
Learning how to name and express your anger after religious trauma takes time, but it is possible!
You may have noticed an underlying theme surrounding each of these examples – they all involve learning to name how you are feeling, recognize that it’s ok to feel this way, and communicate your feelings and needs to others.
There’s plenty of this work you can do on your own, but I also recommend working with a counselor if you are finding that making these changes is a challenge. If you’re in Texas, I help people over video in my counseling practice – you can read more about how I help religious trauma survivors here, and book a free introductory call here.
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