As a religious trauma therapist, and a religious trauma survivor myself, a common theme I’ve observed is a period (or periods) of depression following leaving a church or religious community that has caused you harm. You might find this confusing – you did something you’re proud of, that feels liberating, and yet you also can’t shake this depression that looms over you after taking this step.
Three ways leaving religion causes depression
Depression after leaving a harmful environment might be confusing, but there are several explanations for why you might be feeling this way. I’m sharing three possible reasons you might feel depressed after leaving your restrictive religious environment, and what you can do to address them.
You feel depressed because you’re grieving
Humans do not just grieve over the loss of people in their lives. We also grieve over any major loss that is difficult to adjust to. So much of your life was tied into your religious participation that is now suddenly gone, and that creates a loss that is understandable to feel.
You may lose friendships, or feel less close to people still in the community. You can lose a sense of structure around religious services and various commitments and groups you may have been a part of. You may lose a sense of belonging and an explanation for how the world works – two profound losses that can shake up your sense of self and sense of groundedness.
To add to this profound sense of loss, many religious trauma survivors struggle to name and feel their emotions. Often restrictive religious communities present a way of dealing with emotions that emphasizes stuffing down any negative emotions because they may threaten your faith and commitment to the religion. After leaving, you can struggle to allow your emotions to move through you and resolve, which interrupts the grieving process.
You feel depressed because you don’t know what’s next
Leaving a high control religion can leave an incredible void in your life. When you were in your religion, you were told exactly what to do, how to think, and what to focus on. You might have found yourself with little time to focus on other areas of your life, like hobbies, friendships, and romantic relationships. Now that you no longer have that structure, the blank canvas of figuring out what’s next can be overwhelming.
Some people find this overwhelm paralyzing, which leads to a depressive state and lack of motivation. Life suddenly feels purposeless without someone else telling you what’s next. You might struggle to know where to start in digging yourself out of this paralysis, stuck in a fear of trying anything because it might not perfectly solve your lack of purpose.
You feel depressed because you were taught to be critical of yourself
Even though you’ve left the environment causing harm, you may have lingering thinking patterns and ways of relating to yourself from that environment. One challenging thinking pattern is criticism of yourself. Many high control religions preach inherent sinfulness, and teach their members to examine themselves for the ways they have done wrong. Often there are sermons about eternal punishment in the form of Hell, which can place you in a constant state of fear and hypervigilance, leading you to constantly criticize yourself in the hopes that you can motivate yourself to be “good” and avoid this torment.
If you experience enough self-criticism, you may develop depression as a response to this onslaught of negative messages. Just imagine – if you had someone in your life who constantly berated you and made you feel worthless, you’d probably end up pretty depressed, right? When your inner critic becomes this influence, depression is an understandable response to constant messages of not being enough coming from within.
How to address depression related to leaving religion
Depression is a complex experience that doesn’t always have simple solutions. However, now that we’ve identified some ways depression can come out of leaving religion, you might have some clues as to what you can address.
Allowing yourself to grieve and feel
If you resonated with grieving as a component of leaving religion, addressing this involves giving yourself permission to mourn what you’ve lost. If expressing emotions wasn’t encouraged in your religious community, you will need to take some time to practice naming and feeling your emotions. Some people find it helpful to take silent moments each day to check in with their internal signals. Looking at an emotion wheel to identify what emotion you are feeling can increase your emotion vocabulary, which can help you better understand what you are feeling.
Finding your values while challenging perfectionism
If you connected with the explanation of feeling depressed because you don’t know what’s next, your task is to spend time exploring what you care about and what you might find fulfilling in life. It’s not necessary to find the perfect hobby, pursuit, or passion – instead you will likely benefit from starting small and just allowing yourself to try things. Were there hobbies you enjoyed as a child that you might want to pursue again? Is there a topic you love to learn about? Are there people you’re interested in but you’ve lost touch with?
The key here is to give yourself permission to follow your interests without pressure to come up with something profound or perfect. Depression has a tendency to tell you that nothing matters unless it is perfect, and so you might find it helpful to counter that belief by allowing yourself to pursue an interest, no matter how insignificant it might sound.
Building a kinder inner voice
If you related to the insight that depression can come from religious influences that lead you to be critical of yourself, your next step is to learn to speak to yourself with more kindness. Imagine someone or something you care about – a friend, a pet, or a fictional character. How would you speak to them if they told you they were struggling? Imagine the tone of voice you might use if you were really trying to be kind and patient with them. Now try using that tone of voice on yourself, while finding phrases that offer you kindness and comfort to tell yourself.
Depression related to leaving religion can be challenging to address, but support and guidance is available
Depression from religious trauma or religious deconstruction is a somewhat unique experience, and so you might find that some friends, family, or former therapists don’t fully understand. If that’s the case, I recommend seeking out the support of a religious trauma therapist. You can find one on this directory, or if you’re in Texas I see people in-person in Houston or throughout the state over video. You can book a call here to learn more about working with me.
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