The self-criticism cycle
You know the feeling – you’ve done something you regret or something embarrassing and you feel dread in the pit of your stomach. The thought comes, “Oh no, I messed up again.” For many of us what follows is an internal process of beating ourselves up for what we did. We name-call and bully ourselves, trying to give ourselves some tough love.
Recently I experienced this when I forgot to set my alarm before an important event. I shot out of bed, instantly mad at myself. I mumbled all sorts of things to myself, such as, “You pride yourself on being responsible but you couldn’t even set an alarm for something this important? What would people think if you didn’t show up? They’d find out what a fraud you are.” This persisted throughout the morning as I re-hashed my embarrassment and frustration in my head. Does this sound familiar?
If this does feel familiar to you, that’s because it’s a normal, human reaction to try to motivate yourself to do better following a mistake or embarrassment. However, often this reaction can have the effect of making things worse. You not only feel the sting of regret, disappointment, or embarrassment, but now you have this voice in your head repeating how terrible you are! This voice only extends the negative feelings further and can turn into a cycle of repetitive, anxious thoughts in your head that can be hard to break free from.
Using self-compassion to give yourself a break
One solution that can help turn things around is giving yourself a quick internal self-compassion break. Self-compassion is the process of offering kindness to yourself and essentially involves treating yourself the same way you would a dear friend or family member.
When I found myself verbally berating myself after forgetting to set my alarm, I eventually caught myself and reminded myself that I’m human, that we all mess up sometimes. Once I extended some forgiveness to myself, I was able to feel a little more calm and able to focus on approaching the event and the day without being caught up in my head.
While you can informally go through the process I did of extending forgiveness and kindness to yourself, there is a three step process that can help you learn how to create more space for compassion in moments of self-criticism. This three step self-compassion break was developed by Kristin Neff, a researcher and self-compassion expert.
The 3 step process to take a self-compassion break
Step 1: Acknowledge that you are experiencing a moment of suffering. Mentally say to yourself something like, “Ouch, this hurts.”
Step 2: Recognize that suffering is a part of life. Say to yourself, “We all struggle sometimes” or, “I’m not alone.”
Step 3: Extend kindness to yourself. You can place your hand on your heart as a sign of warmth and comfort towards yourself. Think to yourself, “May I be kind to myself in this moment of suffering. May I learn to accept myself as I am.”
This process takes just moments to complete, but can go along way to help you bounce back after a difficult moment. Wouldn’t you rather feel some comfort and warmth rather than the sting of being your own biggest bully?
You can read more about Kristin Neff and self-compassion at her website.
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