If you’re working through your own religious trauma and deconstruction, you may be wondering how to get out of going to church (or other religious services) when family and friends might still be expecting you to attend. If you’re in the process of deconstructing your faith, you may not be ready to tell others where you are in your process, you may not be fully certain you want to leave your religious community, or you may be certain you want to leave but are uncomfortable speaking up and setting boundaries. These are all reasons you could have trouble speaking up about not wanting to go to the religious services your family and friends are accustomed to you attending. In addition, you may be dealing with people who feel terrified of what it might mean if you leave the religious community, and who may feel it’s their duty to pressure you to continue attending religious services.
Despite this pressure from your community, you might find it important to have the space to miss religious services. For those early in the deconstruction process, emotions can run strong as you navigate feelings of anger, sadness, grief, and anxiety around your newfound perspective on the religious community you have been a part of. Being in the environment that evoked all of this stress can feel overwhelming. Here are a few options that might help you navigate getting out of going to church after religious trauma. (Please note that these suggestions are aimed at adults that have some agency over how they spend their time – I understand that this can be much more complicated if you are a child or teenager living with parents who are determined to get you to church.)
Option 1: Tell them you’re sick (or busy, etc.)
This is the “little white lie” option, where you come up with a temporary excuse to get out of going to church. The advantage to this option is that it buys you some time if you’re not certain whether you are fully done with going to church. The disadvantage is that this option only gets you so far, as you might not be able to use it repeatedly without raising some suspicion. You also might find it hard to even share a small white lie if you’re coming from a religious background that has trained you to feel strong guilt over perceived moral infractions.
Option 2: Tell them you’re exploring other avenues of spirituality
You could share with family and friends that you’re exploring other ways to express your spirituality. You might let them know that you’re trying out some other churches and religious groups, or that you’d rather stay home and read a spiritual book and explore your spirituality from a more quiet, reflective place.
Some people recovering from religious trauma really benefit from spending intentional time reading and reflecting about what spirituality can look like for them outside of high-control religion, and using the time you would be in church can be a helpful time for this if it interests you. (And on the flip side, it’s also ok to take a break from exploring spirituality – some people find it helpful to give themselves permission to take that kind of a break.)
Option 3: Get involved with something that happens on the day of church services
You could get a job that occurs on the weekends, find a volunteer opportunity, or have a standing brunch date with friends. You might find it easier to let people know you’re no longer interested in going to religious services when you know you have a standing appointment somewhere else. The upside to this option is that you have a chance to intentionally spend time in areas of your life that feel more important to you than attending church. The downside is that you might not want to feel so bound to a standing commitment just to avoid directly stating your wishes to family and friends about not wanting to go to church.
Option 4: Just tell them you aren’t going!
This is the most direct option – and likely the scariest for many people who have been raised in an environment that does not encourage direct confrontation. Many high control religions encourage people not to directly confront each other, especially if it involves going against religious teachings. So this option may come with some discomfort and anxiety. However, discomfort does not always mean we are making the wrong choice. Sometimes temporary discomfort is worth it in order to speak up for your needs. Plus, unlike some of the other options you don’t have to come up with an excuse or other place to be – you can just state you won’t be going. Here are some suggestions for what you could say:
“After some reflection, my religious beliefs have shifted and I no longer am interested in going to church with you.”
“There are people in this church that preach messages that are harmful to me and therefore I’m no longer interested in being in this environment.”
“I know you might not understand, but I no longer plan to go to church services with you. Can we meet up for breakfast instead if you want to maintain a weekly family gathering?”
Whatever the option, practice self-compassion and acceptance of imperfection
Whether you share a white lie or directly state you won’t go to church, you’re likely feeling some stress around this decision to go against the hopes and requests of your religious community. Take some time to offer yourself self-compassion through telling yourself a kind phrase or giving yourself a nurturing gesture. You might call up a friend who understands, or schedule some time to do something you love, or just tell yourself a few encouraging words. Imagine what you’d say to a friend going through this, and offer those same sentiments to yourself.
You also might find it helpful to practice acceptance towards imperfection, as this path of deconstruction is usually not linear. Some people make several different attempts to change their relationship with their religion or leave their religious community before finally finding a boundary that works. If you try to speak up and it doesn’t quite go as you would hope, this isn’t a failure. You’re gradually building the muscle of self-advocacy, and the more you practice the more skilled you’ll be.
Help is available if you’re recovering from religious trauma
If you struggle to speak up to people still in the religious community you are deconstructing from, you may benefit from working with a therapist. This is challenging stuff, and depending on your unique experience, you may face unique struggles in navigating expressing limits and boundaries with people still involved in the religion you are taking some space from.
I’m a religious trauma therapist, and I see clients online throughout Texas, and in-person in my Houston office. I’d love to explore if we’re a good fit to work together. You can schedule a free introductory call here. And if you’re outside of Texas, I recommend checking out the directory of religious trauma therapists at the Reclamation Collective.
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