Many people who leave a high control religion find themselves stuck in binary thinking long after they leave this environment. This type of thinking goes by many names: right/wrong, black/white, or all-or-nothing. Binary thinking is a pattern or way of thinking in which our mind categorizes things in simplistic categories. For example, we might categorize who is “good” or “bad”, what is “healthy” or “unhealthy”, or what is “right” or “wrong”.
Thinking in this binary manner can feel painful, because we often turn this thinking on ourselves – feeling like we are “good” one minute, but just as quickly can feel “bad” the minute something goes wrong. As a religious trauma therapist, I’ve seen how damaging this thinking can be, and how freeing it can be to untangle this thinking and find peace in allowing for nuance and complexity in your thinking.
How black and white thinking develops during religious trauma
When you were being indoctrinated into your religion, you probably heard a strong emphasis on what is right and wrong, and what is good or bad. In my experience growing up within a religious community, I was told what was a sin and what would condemn people to Hell. Many rigid religions have some equivalent of this type of teaching.
Not only are you taught this, you likely had some sort of process that encouraged you to examine yourself for how you were right or wrong in the eyes of your religious leaders and higher power. You may have even had to talk about your sins to a religious leader, parent, or peers. This process may have primed your mind to look for ways you are doing things “wrong”.
Why am I stuck in binary thinking after leaving a high-control religion?
But why is this type of thinking so sticky even long after you’ve left that religious world? The thing is, our brains are really good at noticing what is important to our survival.
Think about the last time something moderately scared you – for example, maybe you almost got into a car accident but were able to brake just in time. The next time you drive down the same street where you almost got into the accident, you might feel anxious and remember what it was like to be in that scary moment. This is because your mind is trying to protect you and teach you to avoid that harmful thing.
A similar process happens when you are told that there are things that can make you “bad” or that can cause eternal damnation. But this time, it’s not a brief moment of fear like an almost car accident, but rather a slow accumulation of fear over many years. And not only are you afraid that something bad might happen, you likely start to become afraid that you will be permanently tainted, abandoned, or punished by your actions. Our minds really want to protect us from that so they become very adept at learning to spot how we are getting things wrong.
I’m no longer in my religion, why do I still think this way?
One thing I’ve found while working with religious trauma survivors is that this type of thinking can persist long after the trauma is over. You might be years removed from your religious environment, but still feel stuck in evaluating how you are “good” or “bad”. This binary thinking can become a shape-shifter, moving on from your old religious beliefs to now take on whatever you currently care about and twisting it into a battle of good versus evil.
For example, you might get hyper focused on your body size and your eating choices, and berate yourself if it feels like you aren’t perfectly achieving an image in your mind or an image that society has told you is “ideal”. Or you might find a new social circle that has progressive ideals that you share, but become filled with shame if you realize you still have biased thinking that your new social circle is working to unlearn.
The key here is acknowledging that it’s not enough to let go of the religious beliefs that no longer serve you – you’ll probably find a lot more peace if you can also address the binary thinking that has stuck around and latched onto other areas of your life.
How do I move past this torturous binary thinking that came from my religious trauma?
The good news is that you can move past this type of thinking, but the not-so-good news is that it is probably going to take some time and practice. I have found that a key element in overcoming binary thinking is self-compassion. Self-compassion is the process of offering yourself kindness in the face of struggle. Self-compassion can help you step out of binary thinking because the basic principle is that you are worthy of compassion no matter what is “right” or “wrong” about you.
In the example of being critical of your body size, self-compassion might look like noticing how painful it is to constantly scrutinize and criticize your appearance. Once you notice this, you can attempt to find ways to be kinder to your body. Maybe you throw away your scale and take a break from focusing on how much you weigh. You could do a social media audit and unfollow anyone who promotes unrealistic eating habits.
In the example of being hard on yourself for biased thinking, you might explore how you’d talk to a friend who was struggling with this. Would you be harsh with them and tell them they are unworthy of being a part of this friend group? Or would you be patient with them and help them work towards unpacking the bias and finding new ways of thinking?
Being kind to yourself doesn’t mean letting yourself off the hook – if you find something you want to change about yourself, you absolutely can hold yourself accountable to this while remaining supportive of yourself.
Life after binary thinking from religious trauma involves embracing nuance, complexity, and your own personal values
Removing binary thinking involves recognizing that we all have areas that we struggle with and we all make mistakes at times, and putting a magnifying glass on our perceived flaws is not very helpful. Moving away from binary thinking also recognizes that the concepts of “right” and “wrong” outside of a religious community might not be so clear cut. Many people find that after religion they have to construct their own set of ethics and values, and these may shift over time as you change and as you learn new things about the world and the people around you.
Working through this takes time, because it took time to prime your mind to think this way in the first place. You might find it helpful to see a counselor to help you unpack all of this and find a new way forward. If you’re in Texas, I help people over video in my counseling practice – you can read more about how I help religious trauma survivors, and book a free introductory call here.
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