Why does religion make me angry?

A question I have heard more than once in my counseling practice is “why does religion make me angry?” Many people deconstructing from their religion find themselves experiencing waves of anger long after they leave a rigid religious environment.

This is a broad question, because there are a lot of different types of religions and a lot of different reasons people might have emotional reactions to their religion. However, if your religion was rigid in its doctrine and demanded you follow specific dogma to the letter, you might have experienced a high control religion. Many people feel anger after leaving this type of environment.

Here are a few reasons you might be angry at your religion:

Harm to your identity causes anger at religious intolerance

People raised in high control religions often hear pretty harmful messages about certain identities. High control or high demand religions often emphasize strict doctrines that may have told you that aspects of yourself are wrong. If you are part of the LGBTQ+ community, are neurodivergent, or live in a larger body (or love any people from these communities), you may have felt that aspects of you were not accepted. In some high control religions these identities are openly hated or discriminated against.

As an adult, you are likely learning to embrace these parts of yourself. When you recognize that there was nothing to hate about your identity, you may start to recognize anger towards the messages that you received in your religious community. You might feel angry that your former religious community is advocating for harmful legislation against people like you – how can they be stuck in these thoughts when you’ve found a way to embrace diversity? Some conservative religious communities lack awareness of their privilege, and might appear completely disconnected from real suffering in the world.

Strict rules and dogma causes anger at the impact of high-control religion

Many high control religions have strict rules and dogma that everyone is expected to live by. If you were raised in a religion like this you may have accepted these rules as truth. As you begin to question the rules, you might become angry at all that wasted time spent trying to perfectly meet the standards of your church’s doctrine.

You could also be experiencing the effects of that doctrine today, in the form of guilt, perfectionism, binary thinking, or codependency. It’s frustrating to no longer fully believe in a strict way of living, but still be at the mercy of perfectionistic thinking. Understandably, you might be angry that you still feel compelled to follow a rigid way of behaving.

Disconnection from family and friends causes anger at the way religion can divide

As you deconstruct your religious beliefs, you could find that you can no longer be a part of this religious community in the same way, or at all. As you create space between yourself and the religious community, you have probably found yourself wondering how to navigate relationships with people still in the community.

In this case, you likely feel anger that your family and friends don’t understand your decision, or in some cases don’t even respect the decision and continue to pressure you to stay in the religion. Some people experience anger that their loved ones are unable to see how happy they are in their choices to leave the high control religious environment. Family gatherings might feel painful to attend if they are often centered around religious practices and rituals, leaving you feeling left out.

You might find yourself making choices between hiding yourself or being honest with loved ones about your deconstructing process. You likely feel anger when you realize how much religion impacts your family’s orientation towards you, and wish you could interact with them outside of this belief system.

How do I get over anger from religion?

First of all, anger is a normal part of the wide spectrum of emotions we all experience as humans, so it is ok to be angry! In many high control religions, anger is taught to be unacceptable and something to suppress. Part of “getting over” your anger is allowing yourself to actually feel the anger that you’ve spent so long trying not to feel. If you’ve been asking yourself “why does religion make me angry”, here are several coping strategies to help you respond to that anger when it comes up.

Embrace your anger from religion with self-compassion

Self-compassion is learning to treat our inner self with kindness. Self compassion is a process of becoming friends with yourself – so practice self-compassion by asking yourself how you would talk to a friend who was angry. Maybe you would let this friend vent, or you might validate that what they feel makes sense given their experience. Ask your anger what it needs from you. You can learn a simple self-compassion exercise here.

Express your anger towards your religion when it comes up

Trauma expert Pete Walker has described the importance of verbal ventilation when challenging emotions arise. He describes it as the “metabolizer of emotional pain”. Much like you would ventilate a smoky room by opening a window, verbal ventilation is letting out the pent up anger that you’ve felt by finding a way to talk your way through it. This works best when you have a listening ear – whether through a therapist, a trusted friend, or even a journal where you can write to yourself as if you are speaking to a friend.

You can also find ways to express yourself physically. If you have a favorite way of moving your body, you can express some of your angry feelings this way. You could also express yourself creatively, through writing, painting, dance, or song. Or you could emotionally express what didn’t feel ok at the time you were in your religious community – screaming alone in your home, punching a pillow, or stomping your feet.

Clarify your values and find new community after religious deconstruction

If you find yourself stuck in anger at your religion, this might be a signal that your former religious community is no longer right for you. Your anger is a signal that your values are not being served by this group, and that you might need a new path forward.

For some, that path involves finding a different religious community that more aligns with your values. Others find that they feel better practicing spirituality without religion. Still others find that de-emphasizing religion and spirituality altogether is helpful. For anyone who has been in a high control space, this choice can feel overwhelming, and it’s understandable to seek guidance, such as from a religious trauma therapist.

We all need community, and if your community primarily came from a high control religious environment, you might need to figure out what community looks like for you now. Rebuilding a solid foundation of people around you who share many of your values, fulfill you, and honor your autonomy and authenticity can all serve to dissipate your anger as you show yourself that there is life beyond the restrictive environment that created the anger.

In conclusion, even if you’re asking yourself “why does religion make me angry?” you can rest assured that your anger is an understandable response to a restrictive environment, and finding a path forward involves self-compassion, expressing your feelings, and building community. If you’re in Texas, I offer video counseling to help you navigate these themes and more in my practice that specializes in religious trauma and deconstruction. Schedule your free introductory call here.

Why does religion make me angry?